The first time I left on a bike tour, I almost died. It was 2013, and I was having the worst summer of my life. I had just graduated university and I was so discouraged and over-worked that all I wanted to do was escape. I would stay up late at night dreaming of being free, alive, and as far away from my current surroundings as possible. In my mind that freedom was on a bicycle. A place where I could be outside all day, everyday, and be physically active from sunrise to sundown. I wanted to feel the distance between myself and my home. I wanted to feel every mile and every hill, and experience the world in a unique way. I would imagine myself cycling all the way to the ocean and then falling down on the beach exhausted. That was my dream.
There was just one problem. God wouldn’t let me go.
This was the first time God had ever denied me something I wanted so much in my life. I argued with Him for months, I debated, I compromised, but the answer was always the same,
No.
Why not? I would ask.
You haven’t asked your parents.
So the next day, I went and asked my parents knowing very well what their answer would be. Sure enough, they thought I was crazy and tried to convince me not to go. I tried my best to dismiss their rational thoughts because I was afraid that they would hinder my resolve. It was a difficult conversation, but I did what God asked me to do. Then I went to Him once more in prayer.
Can I go now?
Honour your father and mother.
What?! You’ve gotta be kidding me. I did what you asked! Can I pleeeease go? I begged.
No.
Fine, then I’ll just go without you.
Strike one.
A picture flashes across my eyes. I see a donkey standing on the side of a gravel road. Then I see its rider. He’s viciously beating the donkey because it’s refusing to walk down the path. However, the rider doesn’t understand that his donkey’s trying to save him! It can sense that there’s a hidden danger that lies just ahead. Beyond the edge of the treeline, there’s a dark figure standing in the middle of the road. His body is covered with fire and he’s swinging a giant scythe back and forth, killing anyone who wanders down its path. The picture scares me.
You’ll die, I hear Him say. Don’t leave without my blessing.
I obeyed Him that night. Fear stopped me from taking action. But the desire in my heart persisted throughout the summer. I did everything I could to live out my dream without actually disobeying God. I cycled everywhere throughout the city. I slept on the ground without a pillow. I cycled to campgrounds and camped by myself. I even slept on a play structure one night. I did a lot that summer to distract myself, but my heart slowly began to waver.
One day, I decided to cycle to a summer camp. It was a 100 kilometer bike ride outside the city. I was only leaving for the weekend, but I packed as if I wasn’t coming home. I thought in my heart,
Maybe if I start, I’ll just keep going until there’s no road left.
I woke up early that morning and got dressed. It was raining outside, but it wasn’t enough to hinder my resolve. I quietly walked into my parent’s bedroom and kissed my mom and dad goodbye, not sure of the next time I would be seeing them again. I walked my bicycle out of the garage and loaded all my equipment onto the back. I could feel butterflies in my stomach from both excitement and fear. I pushed my foot down on the pedal and I was off. The wind was cold, but I quickly warmed up as I peddled away from my home. I felt so happy and alive as the wind and raindrops hit my face. I was finally living my dream!
After thirty minutes of riding I was on the 59 highway. At first, the cars were at a far distance from me and I had a large shoulder. But as I traveled further outside of the city, the shoulder became increasingly narrow until there was nothing left but gravel. Extremely dirty, slippery, and wet gravel. It’s condition was so terrible that it forced me to cycle on the highway next to ongoing traffic. Cars, trucks, and semi trucks rushed passed me going 80 kilometers per hour. I kept myself calm by focusing on my task. I tried to be as safe as possible. Suddenly, a car passed by and I was blinded by a spray of dirty water. It splashed onto my face and sunglasses, forcing me to take one hand off my handlebars to wipe them clean. Then, WOOSH! My tire slipped off the pavement and onto the wet gravel. In an instant my control was gone and I was falling… right into oncoming traffic. I desperately tried to steady my bicycle as my front wheel wobbled back and forth. Somehow, I managed to put my foot down on the pavement just as a giant eighteen wheeler passed by my face. It missed me by inches.
All this had all happened in about 3 seconds.
In 3 seconds my life could have ended.
I stood on the shoulder in complete shock.
Strike two.
A second later another car passed by, but much slower this time. He pulled onto the shoulder beside me.
“Are you crazy?!” He yelled. “I saw what just happened. That truck was this close to hitting you!” He used his thumb and index finger to express the inches between me and the semi truck.
“You should get off the road before you cause an accident.”
With that statement, he rolled up his window and pulled back onto the highway. I walked my bicycle for a few minutes as I waited for my heart rate to slow down. I wasn’t sure if I should keep going, but after a few minutes I’d built up my resolve again. I mounted my bicycle, took a deep breath, and started to push off. In that moment, God spoke to me one last time.
That’s strike two Amy. Don’t make it strike three.
Tears filled my eyes at His words. I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to do this bike trip without God’s blessing. There was a restaurant up ahead. I leaned my bicycle up against the wall and went inside. The waitress didn’t seem too impressed to see me so muddy and wet, but she didn’t voice any complaints as I took a seat in one of the booths. Finally, I was ready to stop fighting and start listening.
What am I doing wrong? I asked God. Why won’t you let me go?
Do you really think your problems will go away if you leave? He asked me.
I thought carefully about that.
No, probably not.
Why do you think that?
Because I’m the problem. I thought. It’s not my environment that’s hurting me, it’s my own bad habits and weaknesses that are causing me to hate myself.
It doesn’t matter where you go. You can’t run away from yourself.
Wow. I finally understood.
I did hate myself. Every year I was falling deeper into my own bad habits and it was leading me into depression. I was trying to be a good student, a good coach, a good friend, and a good person. But it was hopeless, I just didn’t have enough willpower to overcome my own selfishness. I couldn’t meet my own standard of perfection.
Another picture came to the forefront of my mind. I saw myself alone in the middle of a lake. There was a great storm all around me and I was desperately clinging onto a piece of drift wood to keep myself from drowning. It was my only hope for survival. However, I saw the weakness in my own hands. I watched myself grow tired, let go, and drown. Every year, these powerful waves in my life were overpowering me. Every year, I was drowning.
I know that you’re my Savior! I cried out. So why can’t I hold onto you?
Where are your ropes? He asked. Where are the ropes tying you to Me?
I reflected on His words for a moment. Then I understood. The ropes represented my friendships. Friends and a community are the ropes that I need to tie myself to God. I don’t have the strength to overcome the waves of life on my own. I need good friends who can be my strength when I’m weak. Up until now, I’d never invested in christian friendships or searched for a church community. This was the direction that God had been trying to lead me towards this whole summer. I could tell that this was an important moment in my life. I could either choose to run away on my bicycle and go my own way, or I could put aside my own dreams, and run towards this new dream that God was offering me. But, I was so afraid. What if it didn’t work out?
Trust me, He said.
My life would look very different had I chosen my own path that day. I might not even be on this earth anymore. It’s a very humbling experience to stop pursuing your own dreams. It’s also very humbling to allow yourself to be led, rather than to lead. But this is God’s promise, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). I’m so glad I followed Jesus that day. The worst summer of my life was followed by the best years of my life. He blessed me with an amazing church and filled my life with the best of friends. Everyday I went on adventures with them and God filled my heart with love, joy, and renewed hope for my future. I even got engaged (spoiler alert!). We often think that we know what’s best for our lives. But do we really know the needs of our own hearts? Can we confidently say that our dreams will bring us happiness? Can we know the future or what tomorrow will bring? How fortunate we are that there’s a God who knows all these things. He sees the future and knows the needs of every heart. I can’t think of anyone more qualified to be my guide.