I sat on my usual bus ride home, route 19, from my evening sociology class at the University of Winnipeg. The sun had already set behind the tall buildings, taking with it the light and warmth from the day. Outside was dark and I couldn’t see anything outside my window except for my own reflection looking back at me. The girl in the window had long brown hair and wide hazel eyes. She would have looked beautiful if not for the air of depression that seemed to rest on her shoulders. The girl’s hair was unkempt and she wore no makeup to help her appearance. Her mouth and forehead showed lines of stress, and her eyes were filled with grief and sorrow. I really hated this girl, because I feared that this reflection of mine would become a permanent reality.
On this empty bus I curled my knees into my chest and rested my forehead on my knees. At first, I allowed a few tears to escape down my cheeks. But before I could stop myself, the tears had turned into sobs and I was crying uncontrollably.
“It’s okay Amy. It’s okay,” I whispered to myself. “You didn’t do anything wrong, you’re fine.” I spoke to the girl in the window and tried desperately to comfort her.
“Amy, don’t cry. It’s okay. You didn’t eat that much today. You’re fine.” I pleaded to this girl in the window, but she wouldn’t believe my words. She cried and cried. Her sorrow and helplessness was overwhelming.
I shouldn’t be crying like this, I thought to myself. This can’t be right.
I had gotten so hungry in the middle of class that I couldn’t concentrate on the material. I didn’t want my grades to drop so I bought myself a bowl of soup and a granola bar to eat in class. I knew rationally that this wasn’t much food, and yet I was crying as if I had committed a crime. I took out my phone and opened up my calorie counting app. I was so ashamed of myself that I didn’t even want look at my calorie intake for the day. Yet I forced myself to see the truth. I carefully entered everything I had eaten for the day. About ½ cup of cereal, ⅓ cup of milk, an apple, a bowl of soup, and a granola bar. I looked at the number in shock. I had consumed only 500 calories today. I knew logically that I was allowed to eat 1800 calories daily to maintain a healthy weight. How could only 500 calories make me feel like such a glutton? How could a bowl of soup and a granola bar make me feel so scared and ashamed? Why did I feel like such a failure?
This was the day I discovered and acknowledged that I had an eating disorder. However, I had no idea how to fix it. I had been trying to fix my eating habits for years. Yet the more I tried to take control, the more the situation grew out of my control. Originally, I had been using this calorie counting app to lose weight. Now I needed it to give myself permission to eat without feeling afraid or ashamed. My bathroom scale had once been a tool to help me lose weight. Now it was a tool to console myself that I had not gained weight. Lord help me!
I would like to say this problem was a quick fix. I would like to say that one day I cried out to the Lord and He immediately saved me from my problem. But this isn’t that kind of story. How bad did it get? I started to restrict my food intake more and more as my fear of food and weight gain intensified. I would remove entire food groups from my diet because I believed they were “bad” for me. However this food and calorie restriction caused me to binge, and every binge caused my fear to increase. Before long I was purging my food in an attempt to take back control of the situation. After a while I started to purge whenever my stomach felt full. I couldn’t go more than three days without a binge and then purging my food. I felt fear every time I ate, whenever I went grocery shopping, prepared food, traveled, or went to a restaurant with friends. I relied on extreme diets that used hormones to keep my hunger under control and lose weight quickly. This made my weight fluctuate greatly whenever I tried to eat a regular diet and it increased my fear of food immensely. Eventually, I became gluten intolerant and developed stomach and digestive problems. I would often wish that I could simply stop eating, like an alcoholic giving up alcohol. Then I could be free from my fear and stress. Unfortunately, I needed food to survive so I was stuck with my problem. It made me feel so trapped and helpless. This is a story about a girl who fell into a trap of lies, and the more she struggled to help herself, the tighter the knots wrapped around her neck. Like a bird caught in a hunter’s net, I had to stop trying to break free by my own strength, and let God slowly untie me from these self-destructive lies. This was a four year journey of healing that I walked through with the Lord. During this time, I learned so much about God’s character. His Truth, His love, and His faithfulness. On this journey I learned how to trust my Heavenly Father.
1. Changing the Environment
The first step towards my healing started after I graduated from university. In the pit of my despair, God gave me instructions to go and find my christian friends (Read: A Failed Bike Tour). I left my parent’s church and started attending Church of the Rock. I quit my job as a gymnastics coach and God provided me with a job as an educational assistant. This removed me from an unhealthy mental environment. God surrounded me with friends and mentors to speak truth and guidance into my life. My mentors George and June taught me how to have a quiet time with God and read my bible everyday. As a result, I started to feel like Amy again. I was no longer the sad, trapped, and hopeless girl that I had seen in the mirror. Now, my relationship with God was growing stronger every day and I was finding new purpose and hope in God. I had a healthy group of friends that would encourage me and strengthen me in my spirit. This went on for two years and although my eating habits didn’t change much during this time (it actually became worse before it got better), I still believe this season was an important part of my recovery. I received important revelations about God’s character and I learned how to trust Him as he healed and transformed other areas of my life.
2. Recognizing My Pride of Perfection
For a few months during my quiet times, God would often speak to me about obedience. I hated this topic, because it made me cry and I felt hurt every time God gave me a correction. It was especially difficult to read the book of Proverbs as it always seemed to highlight my faults. One day, my dad gave me some wisdom.
“Amy, don’t you understand that these feelings are a result of your pride? From your perspective you understand that no one is perfect and you accept people despite their weaknesses. However, you don’t extend the same mercy and acceptance towards yourself. You demand yourself to be perfect and without fault. Why do you think so highly of yourself, that everyone is allowed to make mistakes- except you?”
I had never seen my own pride. So I spent a great deal of time mulling it over.
Nobody is perfect; only God is perfect, I thought to myself. Therefore, if I demand myself to be perfect and without fault, then I’m trying to be like God. This is definitely sin and an issue of pride.
I had to repent and ask God to fix this issue in my heart. Unfortunately, this knowledge about my pride didn’t stop me from criticizing myself whenever I made a mistake, ate unhealthy, or gained weight. I received two revelations that freed me from my pride of perfection. My mentors introduced me to the Wheel Illustration from Discipleship International, and this diagram made a big difference.
My Revelation: Obedience to Christ is not meant to be the focus of a christian, but rather it’s the result of living a christian lifestyle. Allow me to explain. The christian lifestyle has a structure like a bicycle wheel. When the frame of the wheel is strong, it will result in obedience to Christ. The hub represents Christ, and Christ must always be the center of our lives. The spokes are the lifestyle habits that bring us into a closer relationship with God. These actions include:
- The Word: reading and meditating on the scriptures (Joshua 1:8)
- Prayer: talking/listening to the Spirit and praying for others (Phil 4:6-7)
- Fellowship: meeting with other believers (Hebrew 10:24-25)
- Witnessing: sharing your story and the good news about Jesus (Romans 1:16)
If these spokes are strong, we will experience very few “flat tires”. We will be consistent in obeying God’s commands and living a righteous life. However, if the spokes are weak we will frequently experience “flat tires” such as falling into sin and the desires of the flesh.
This new teaching changed my perspective and my priorities in life. In the past, I was always focusing on my “outer wheel”. As a result, I was constantly afflicting myself with guilt and shame whenever I gave into my selfish desires. I felt helpless to improve the situation and I felt unworthy to meet with God. However, now I understood that the secret to obedience was more than just “not sinning”. It was about pursuing a deeper relationship with God by strengthening these spiritual disciplines. The result would be obedience to Christ. Instead of feeling ashamed about my mistakes and imperfections, I purposefully tried to ignore my “flat tires” and started to direct all my efforts on strengthening my spokes.
Focusing on my spiritual disciplines made a radial difference in my life. It helped me to keep my eyes on God, rather than focusing on myself and my own imperfections. I no longer felt powerless in my current situation because I knew that I was making a proactive change that would bring me closer to God and further away from my bad habits. Suddenly, I felt less pressure to improve myself and perform at a standard of excellence. I was beginning to understand that it was God who would “purify me from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9), and He was going to accomplish this in His own time. Which leads in into my second revelation concerning God’s promise for perfection and His perfect timing.
“Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:2)
“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6)
God has placed in our hearts a desire to be perfect because this is who we were in the beginning before the fall of man. It’s the longing of heaven in our hearts. However, the bible says that we will not be perfect until the day Jesus Christ returns. Until then, we are on a lifelong journey with God as He transforms our hearts and our minds, to make us holy and righteous like His son Jesus. This transformation is happening even if we cannot see it in our present circumstances.
It was such a relief when I finally understood that God didn’t expect me to be perfect. At least not in this lifetime! This promise opened my eyes to see God’s true character. He was so perfect in compassion, and so perfect in patience. Understanding God’s compassion allowed me to extend compassion towards myself. I stopped criticizing myself every time I sinned or ate wrong. I no longer expected myself to perform in life without mistakes or setbacks. Lastly, I didn’t take offense when God corrected me in His Word because I understood that God loved me. His corrections were purifying me for the day when Jesus Christ returns. By accepting my own imperfections, I was able to see God’s true perfection.
Applying Compassion into my Diet:
After this revelation, I started to notice that my desire to be perfect was being reflected in my eating habits. I saw my pride of perfection whenever I refused to eat a dessert. Everyday I had to eat the “perfect” food, at the right time of the day, with the same amount of calories. I would even put a sticker on my calendar to mark a “perfect day.” I started to see my pride every time I purged after overeating or consuming an unhealthy treat. It was my attempt to take back my mistake and make my eating day “perfect” again. Even my physical body had to reflect a “perfect” body image. One day, I was not having a “perfect” eating day and I was going to purge my food. Suddenly, the Lord reminded me of this verse.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed because his compassions never fail, they are new every morning. Great is your faithfulness.” (Lamentations 3:22-23)
I felt like the Lord was inviting me to trust Him with my eating habits. Even if I did not eat perfectly everyday, God was going to have compassion on me. I was not going to be consumed by becoming overweight or obese. This was the first day that I chose not to purge my food and trust in God’s compassion instead. The first day was very scary and I remember running onto my bed and crying into my pillow. I desperately prayed, asking God to forgive me and to show me His compassion by not increasing my weight. The next morning I woke up feeling different. Normally after a binge on ice cream and cookies, I would wake up feeling bloated and sick. However, after last night’s prayer I woke up with no such symptoms. I weighed myself, and my weight hadn’t fluctuated despite the large amount of food I had consumed. It was amazing to witness! After that experience, whenever I had a bad eating day I would declare Lamentations 3:22-23 over myself and trust God. Every time, God would be faithful and show me His compassion.
Declaring this verse over myself also led me to a second lifestyle change. God’s compassion was new for me every morning, and my past was forgotten with every sunrise. I decided that I needed to stop marking my “perfect days” on the calendar at home because it was also reminding me of my past “failures”. God was not keeping track, so who was I to keep score? I still felt like I needed to control what I was eating on a daily basis, but everyday I would turn over a new page. My past stayed in the past. I experienced a lot of freedom by making these changes but God’s work was far from finished.
3. Discovering God’s Grace
I didn’t understand grace. I had heard this word many times and I knew the definition and its meaning, but I could not recognize God’s grace in my own life. I had grown up in a gymnastics culture. In that environment I was taught that if I didn’t work for something, then I would never attain it. If I didn’t pursue my goals, then I would never achieve my goals. Every success I had accomplished in my life had come from hard work, planning, and persistence.
‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit’ says the LORD Almighty. (Zechariah 4:6)
I remember crying in my bedroom, begging God to reveal the meaning of this verse to me. I knew it was important but I didn’t understand how anything could be accomplished on this earth without some form of human effort.
Then God taught me a valuable lesson. For an entire month I could not wake up early. Everyday I would wake up 10 minutes before I had to leave for work and I would be rushing to get out the door. I was almost late for work everyday. I tried everything to break this bad habit. I started setting my alarm clock earlier and making the buzzer extra loud. When that failed, I switched my alarm to play some upbeat music and then moved my alarm further away from my bed. That didn’t work either, so I tried going to bed earlier. I even tried giving myself pep-talks the night before and visualizing myself waking up on time. Nothing worked. I was nothing but a lazy, sleepy sloth every morning. Then one weekend I met with a few friends to watch a sermon on television. It seemed silly to ask for help, but I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to ask for prayer. I explained to my friends my “sleeping in” dilemma and they all prayed for me. Matt and I got home very late and we didn’t bother to set an alarm. The next morning however, my eyes snapped open at 6:00 am and I was wide awake. I was completely shocked.
Why? I asked God. I didn’t set my alarm, or go to bed early, or make a plan. How was I able to wake up so early?
This is grace.
I could feel God smiling as He answered my question. Suddenly, I had a completely new understanding of grace. Grace is when God gives us something or allows us to accomplish a task that we otherwise wouldn’t be able to do in our own strength. He gives us this grace simply because He loves us. God desires for us to live an abundant life and free from the bondage of sin. In the past, I believed that if God helped me with everything, then I would become a weak and lazy person. Therefore, I tried not to ask for His help because I wanted to be strong. However, God revealed to me that apart from Him, I can do nothing!
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Philippians 2:13)
“But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.” (1 Corinthians 15:10)
For example, I used to wonder:
“How can I develop the fruit of self-control if I do not practice resisting temptation? If God simply takes the temptation away from me then I will never become stronger.”
However, the truth is that I will never develop this fruit of the spirit without first receiving God’s grace to enable me. The fruit of the spirit is NOT produced by my own strength and willpower. It is produced by asking for God’s grace, and by His Spirit He allows me to walk in a lifestyle of self-control.
So how can we receive this amazing grace? It’s simply a matter of asking God for His help in accomplishing His will, and then humbling ourselves to receive that gift. After God showed me His grace by allowing me to wake up early, I continued to wake up for the next three weeks! When I started to struggle, I prayed and asked God for more grace. The struggling stopped and I could wake up early again. This amazing revelation changed how I lived and approached the problems in my life. I started to ask for God’s grace in a situation rather than trying to fix everything with my own strength and willpower. God was so faithful whenever I asked for something according to His Will. I would ask, God would pour out His grace, the burden would lift, and suddenly I could accomplish the Will of God.
Applying Grace into my Diet:
I started to realize that these “strategies” that I had applied to try and wake up on time were very similar to my approaches towards health and wellness. I was always making new goals to attain my ideal body weight and image. I was developing meal plans and exercise plans to attain those goals. I was executing these plans by counting the calories I had consumed and burned everyday. I was doing more research about the healthiest foods and incorporating them into my diet. However, all these methods were an act of my own strength and willpower. Suddenly, I started to feel convicted every time I tracked my food or worked out at the gym. I felt like these actions were wrong because I was not trusting in God’s grace to fix my problem. I felt like God was inviting me to start relying on His grace to maintain my weight rather than my own strength and willpower. Perhaps He would take care of this issue in the same way He took care of my “sleeping in” problem?
For the next year, I game had started between me and my Heavenly Father. My goal was NOT to diet. I stopped counting calories, measuring food portions, and going to the gym. Every week I would eat and have no idea if I had eaten wisely or poorly. On Saturday, I would weigh myself to see if God’s grace had been sufficient. The result, God was completely faithful and every week I maintained my weight! (This is extremely important because in the past, my history of extreme diets had caused my weight to fluctuate drastically and it became almost impossible for me to maintain a consistent weight.) During this “game of grace” I was sometimes aware that I had not eaten very much throughout the week. I would get excited with the thought that I might have lost a few pounds. Then I would step on the scale… only to discover that my weight had not changed. I would be disappointed and worried, but then God would remind me of our little game.
You are under my grace now. It doesn’t matter what you eat. I have the final say.
Other weeks I would eat terribly. I would binge on cookies, ice cream, and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches everyday for an entire week. I felt completely terrified and ashamed! However, I did not take matters into my own hands. I declared Lamentations 3:22-23 over myself and I prayed for God’s grace on my body. To my great surprise, I would often lose weight after my “bad” eating weeks! It was as if God was saying with big smile,
See? Didn’t I tell you that I was in control? You won’t be consumed. I’ve got you.
I was so amazed by God’s faithfulness! I could not believe the power of God’s grace on my life. I was not afraid of food anymore because food no longer had the authority to determine my health and my weight. I was now under God’s grace. He was the one in control.
I wish I could say that this was the end of my journey. That I gave up complete control over my diet and lived solely under God’s grace. However, even during this fun season of sufficient grace, I still wanted to have some control over my choice of foods. I became a vegan at home and a vegetarian in public. I chose this diet because I believed it would help me make better food choices. I wanted to make sure that I was eating fresh produce and choosing homemade recipes over processed foods. I enjoyed this diet because I felt less stress about making food choices when my options were limited. I felt safer living within these boundaries. However, during this time I became very sick and I was diagnosed with celiac disease. I could no longer eat foods containing gluten such as wheat, rye, and barley. Suddenly, despite the fact that I was not dieting anymore, my diet had become very restricted.
4. Developing a World Vision
The summer of 2016, God called Matt and I to go on an amazing journey. God was sending us to ride our bicycles east around the world until we arrived in British Columbia! Many of our priorities changed when we started preparing for this journey, including our chosen diets. I started to become aware that being a vegan and a vegetarian around the world was not a very realistic goal. Not only this, but people around the world were going to be welcoming us into their homes and inviting us to dinner. I started to question my current lifestyle. Should Matt and I refuse a person’s hospitality because of our chosen diets? What if someone offers me a chocolate bar? Should I refuse it because it’s unhealthy? This didn’t sound right, and the scriptures confirmed my thoughts.
“If an unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without raising questions of conscience.” (1 Corinthians 10:27)
“When you enter a town and are welcomed, eat what is offered to you.” (Luke 10:8)
“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” (1 Timothy 4:4)
I could only conclude that God didn’t want me to have any food restrictions in my diet. Since the death and resurrection of Jesus, God has declared all food as good and it should be received with thanksgiving. Also, there should be no food that violates the conscience. I wanted to obey the scriptures, but I was still reluctant to trust certain foods. It was very difficult to give up complete control. One day, I came across a very important verse.
“But seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)
I’m aware that when Jesus spoke this promise, He was assuring his disciples not to worry about their daily needs such as finances, food, and clothing. Matt and I were learning how to apply this scripture into our lives. However, there was something else in my life that was always causing me to worry. Something apart from the Kingdom of God was consuming a great deal of my time, energy, and expense. This was my diet and my need to control what I was putting into my body. So I prayed to God,
“Jesus, I’m exhausted from worrying about my own health and weight. I’m tired of restraining myself from eating certain foods. It’s so self-centered and time-consuming. Therefore I have to ask. When you said “all these things”… can that also include my health and body weight? If I decide to only seek Your kingdom and Your righteousness, then can you please take care of my health and weight for me?”
I felt like He said, Yes.
So I took action. I stopped restricting my food groups. I started eating meat, eggs, and dairy again. I learned to enjoy my desserts and treats with thanksgiving. There was so much freedom by letting go, and God continued to remain faithful by maintaining my weight for me. I started to seek the kingdom of God by learning how to pray. All my diet books were replaced with books about intercessory prayer and spiritual warfare. Our television set was replaced with a world map on the wall and a prayer rug. We met with friends and mentors to learn and practice prayer. I eventually stopped checking my weight altogether because I could finally trust God that He had complete control. There was just one problem that remained. I still had celiac disease and I could not eat any gluten.
5. The Power of Blessings and Curses
God had liberated both my heart and my mind from this terrible eating disorder. I was now eating all foods with thanksgiving and in good conscience. However, my body was not free from its past abuse. I was suffering from gluten intolerance, heartburn, and other digestive issues. Despite this reality, I wanted to be able to eat anything set before me just as the scriptures had instructed me.
One day while researching prayer, I came across a sermon by John Paul Jackson. He was teaching about the power of blessings and curses. I learned that our words have power and we can either bless or curse ourselves with our spoken words. When we curse ourselves, we open a doorway for the enemy to bring us into bondage. After this lesson, God reminded me that a few years ago, when I was struggling with my eating disorder, I had earnestly prayed to be gluten intolerant. In the past, I believed that if I suffered pain and greater consequence for eating poorly it would motivate me to stop binging and eat only “acceptable” foods. In my ignorance, I had cursed myself. This curse was starting to manifest itself after only a few years. However, if my words had the power to let the enemy in, then I also had the authority to break this curse.
I got down on my knees and repented to God. I asked Him to forgive me for cursing my body and I asked Him to bless my digestive system. I spoke to the enemy and I broke the curse of celiac disease in the name of Jesus. I placed my hand on my stomach and I commanded my body to recognize all gluten as food, and to receive it with thanksgiving.
After this prayer, I attempted to put gluten back into my diet. Unfortunately, the symptoms didn’t go away. However, I continued to repent and pray over my body for the following weeks. Matt joined me, and together we laid hands over my stomach and prayed for my freedom from celiac disease. I suddenly felt the power of the Holy Spirit. It felt like a barrier inside of me had been removed. After that day, my body began to heal. At first, I could eat one meal a day with gluten, then I could eat two meals per day. It wasn’t until Matt and I started cycling east for three weeks that I experienced full restoration to my digestive tract. Now I can eat gluten without any pain, symptoms, or side effects. Praise be to God for he has healed me! My body, soul, and mind.
I continue to live under God’s grace to this day. In the past, my idea of a “perfect body weight” was 130 lbs. This was my weight before I had stopped competing in gymnastics. Today I weigh 150 lbs and this has been my weight for the last 2.5 years while living under God’s grace. I don’t look super athletic and skinny, neither do I look overweight. But I have learned that my “perfect” body weight is the one I have right now. It is beautiful because God my Creator has placed me here by His compassion and grace. I have learned to love myself with my imperfections, and to enjoy this ongoing journey as God completes His good work in me. Now my greatest priority is to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. I can live in peace and freedom knowing that God will take care of the rest.
I know that some people reading this today can relate with my story and are dealing with a similar struggle. Please do not keep this problem to yourself. Tell someone you trust and seek help. I lived with lies and misconceptions that trapped me for years and it led me into a very self-destructive lifestyle. I am not so naive to believe that your struggle is exactly the same as mine. You have your own past, lies, and misconceptions to overcome. However, I am sharing this experience with you so that you might have hope. God cares about your situation and He can guide you into freedom. God’s love, salvation, and His willingness to heal is overwhelming! My prayer is that you will put your trust in God, ask for His help, and listen to His instruction. Now it’s your time to live out a story of healing and recovery. This is your opportunity to receive a revelation from the Holy Spirit that will lead you into freedom. You will witness His hand of healing on your life, and encounter your own miracles that will be unique to your own personal walk with Jesus. Remember this: You are loved by God, and you are truly beautiful.
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt.” (Jeremiah 31:3-4)
The end.
(Please Note: I am not a doctor, nor do have the appropriate credentials to give a diagnosis or treatment for an eating disorder. This story is meant to give you encouragement, hope, and knowledge about God.
**If you struggle with an eating disorder I would strongly recommend that you talk to your doctor.**
P.S. I also would have received medical treatment for my eating disorder. Unfortunately, I did not receive medical help because I accidentally missed my first appointment with the specialist and subsequently disqualified myself from receiving future treatment.)
Amy, what a beautifully articulated reflection of grace and hope. Thank you so much for sharing your journey.